Working, parenting, teaching, and building a shared reality
Or, why having favourites just doesn't work
Work and parenting is a huge juggling act. I’ve been reflecting on how I grew up, and I remember life being more relaxing when I lived on the east coast. But I don’t know how much of that was the east coast being, well, rather chill, or if it was just the fact that I didn’t have work and parenting responsibilities. Maybe some of that is just rose-coloured glasses, remembering the good things and forgetting the stress that came with it.
This article on how parenting is more stressful in 2025 helped me feel somewhat normal, as in, sure maybe it’s challenging, but at least I’m not alone or somehow doing “parenting” wrong.
I’ve already talked about a couple of the most helpful parenting books I’ve found, and how they are also some of the best business books as well. One thing I’ve noticed is that in both aspects of our lives, relationships are key to getting stuff done. Kids aren’t naturally “good” for us. They try to behave and get along because the relationship is working, because there is attachment that goes in both directions. It’s a bit more tricky at work: adults relate differently than kids do with their parents. But the same principle does carry over. We try to behave well and get along with people who we feel some kind of attachment to. People who we think have our best interests at heart.
So, if we can have favourite people to hang around with at work, or if we can have favourite friends, then can we also have a favourite child? I was reading a CBC article and this study that suggest parents do. It hits close to home. I start to wonder: do I have a favourite? Do I treat my kids differently depending on how they behave? Do I show preference for one over the other?
“Public Significance Statement: This large-scale meta-analysis found that parents may be inclined to provide relatively favored treatment to daughters, conscientious children, and agreeable children. Parents may also be inclined to give more freedom and autonomy to older siblings. Parents and clinicians should be aware of which children in a family tend to be favored as a way of recognizing potentially damaging family patterns.” - Jensen & Jorgensen-Wells, Parents Favor Daughters, p. 1, 2025
And the short answer, on a day-to-day basis, is of course yes. On any given day, one of the kids is going to have more privileges than another. We can’t drive three kids to three different activities on the same day. But over a week, over a month, over a year, I’d like to hope that those differences even out. As the study points out, it can be incredibly psychologically damaging for kids to know that one of their siblings (or even they themselves) are a parent’s favourite. It puts strain on the relationship and creates a space where kids need to compete for attention.
The Bluey episode, “Kids”, nails this message. If you haven’t seen it, clicking through will give you the short version of the episode. I don’t know if I need to put a spoiler alert on a kids episode that’s like 5 minutes long anyway, but at the end, the kids learn a lesson about how playing favourites causes hurt feelings to everyone involved. Even from a young age, kids are able to grasp that playing favourites doesn’t work in the long term.
One interesting take-away from the study was that “For the most part, our effect sizes were small. The reasons why parents treat their children differently are likely more complex and extend beyond the factors explored in this study” (p. 12). And that’s the reality. Absolutely, there are times when I have a least-favourite person to be around (it’s probably the one who’s yelling at me, not gonna lie). We treat our children differently because of who they are. That’s part of being “fair”. The relationship we have with a young child needs to be different than it is with an older child, a teenager, or an adult, because that’s what they need. That’s what the relationship needs.
It’s similar if you are a manager or leader at work. Yes, there will be days when we have a least-favourite person at work. But hopefully those days are few and far between. Hopefully, once we’ve taken the time to listen to our emotions and figure out what the underlying issue is, we are able to have a conversation, reach some sort of resolution, and move forward.
In any of our relationships, taking the time to build a shared reality in relationships can help reduce anxiety, which in turn increases the meaning we find in our roles. It’s funny, but that’s probably the best thing in teaching, parenting, building a team, or any other relationship. We have the opportunity to craft a shared reality of what work is important.